The Bachelorette S8E1: Premiere Night!

Jay: ‎"What has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily? This Guy!" -Tony

Jay: ‎"I want babies!"

Jay: run guys!

Elle: Coming late to the party. Why run? You have two sweet babies downstairs asleep (finally) right now.

Elle: and here come the men...

Elle: sean - totally thought he was going in for a kiss already

Elle: and another hug...wow eager fella



Jay: ‎"wow, she looks amazing"... "yeah, amazing"... "yeah (the camera's on me)"

Elle: david - the guy who writes brilliant songs with great lyrics: "emily, emily, emily,
emily..."

Jay: emileeeeeeeee--eeee

Elle: single dad dude...either really nervous or just really awkward

Elle: Jackson - give me a break.

Elle: EMILY!!!

Elle: Joe the Joker

Jay: Joe - wants to hav eMatthew McConaughey hair

Elle: Arie - bad memory bringer

Jay: Arie - a lip-licker

Elle: Kyle - reminds me of someone I don't like.

Jay: Kyle - boring

Elle: Chris - wannabe Tim Tebow

Jay: Chris - talks too much... softie

Elle: Aaron - the token hipster

Elle: OH no.

Elle: He'll never survive that line when he gets back to his class

Jay: Aaron - smooth talker "I'm a high school biology teacher, but I'm here to have chemistry with you"

Elle: dude with long hair from Brazil...something is wrong with his lips - he's lip syncing his own words.

Jay: Jef (with one "f") rides a skateboard and has 50's hairdo...

Elle: Jeff - the skateboader no one takes seriously

Elle: Larone - what a sticky, awful line

Jay: Stevie - fraternity reject

Elle: Stevie - yikes. I bet he's a stripper on the side.

Elle: Charlie? He's my pick for top two.

Jay: We might have a winner... guy in tan

Elle: Tony - OH NO HE DI-NT.

Jay: Tony - presents glass slipper... end up wearing it later... she's creeped out bro

Jay: Got nest head? Dude, get a mirror.

Elle: Yay for a commercial break - I have 30 seconds to get back to crap I should be doing

Elle: aannnd, we're back

Elle: I thought those glasses were just a prop, but nope, he's still wearing them

Elle: She's officially creeped out

Jay: Dressing up as an old lady to impress a young one...

Elle: Randy, the old lady. There's a way to make a first impression.

Jay: Randy is his name... cross-dressing is his game

Jay: Nate - apparently smells good

Elle: Nate - looks that guy from Alias. Doesn't seem to be thrilled to be here.

Jay: Brent - he's from Fresno... can't be good

Elle: Missed Purple Tie guy's name...oh wait, he has a name tag!

Elle: Thanks, Brent.

Elle: John "Wolf" - 'nuf said.

Elle: Is he hungry the wolf?

Jay: John "Wolf"... that's his callsign - he's a Naval Aviator

Elle: He has an egg.

Jay: Travis - giant egg in hand

Elle: Travis - no symbols...no, no, no.

Elle: Oh no.

Elle: If this were jr. high, he wouldn't survive what's about to happen to him with the rest
of the guys

Jay: Ostrich egg = awkward conversation piece in a group of dudes

Elle: Music Mike...get a haircut buddy

Elle: Oh, look, it's her dad!

Jay: Jean-Paul - often mistaken for a man

Elle: That eyebrow move was pretty slick Jean Paul

Jay: More south-american speak - she speaks mexican!

Elle: Alejandro - I can't read my way through Bachelorette so let's start talking with words I
can ignore pretty much anyway.

Jay: pink tie = guy trying to look sensitive

Elle: Ryan - sports trainer with a list he made for his girlfriend when he was in 3rd grade.

Jay: helmet-head

Elle: Here comes the helicopter

Jay: helicopter intro - compensating for something

Elle: He must have pissed off the producers or something and they set him up

Elle: Emily: "It really can work"...just like me and Brad and Brad and those other girls before me that he didn't propose to.

Elle: Six kids??

Elle: it's animals

Jay: Dude has 6 kids... not a good first-date topic

Elle: a bobblehead of him. weirdest gift ever.

Jay: Bobblehead of self - it does what I do

Elle: except for that egg.

Elle: creepiest gift ever giving her one of her.

Jay: Let's play dolls - uncomfortable now, but she's calling him super-hot

Jay: good luck chica

Jay: that egg would make a mean omelette

Elle: just goes to show you that hotness will take you farther than it should.

Jay: Jef - his name is giving me a headache

Elle: I love her southern "thank you"

Jay: ‎"Jef has a cool vibe"... that's the champagne talking

Elle: ‎"You are A-OK."

Elle: I think she has a crush on the kid guy.

Elle: Aw, he asked about her daughter.

Jay: Signs from dialogue that alcohol is setting in - "he's super-cool and I hope he thinks
I'm super-cool too"

Elle: I bet the 12 yr old has a crush on her too. Father/son competition

Elle: I think she's eating it up though.

Jay: ten bucks says this guy wrote the note in crayon himself

Jay: ‎"my dad is the best"

Elle: It sounds like she keeps calling him dad.

Elle: Travis wants some time!

Jay: I'm gonna sit here on the couch and curse and complain about not being able to talk to her

Elle: Someone should knock the rose into the fire "accidentally"

Elle: ‎"my momma always taught me..." bad sign

Jay: Sure dude... what guy jokes that he's a hopeless romantic

Elle: Awkward transition...

Elle: ‎"Helicopter guy!!" They're writing this stuff for me.

Jay: His new name is "helicopter guy" love it

Elle: I mean seriously...who wears a green shirt the color of leprechauns to something this?

Elle: Sad moment coming up....

Jay: ‎"Helicopter guy" should write a book - how to get people to hate you

Jay: Let me lay it on you... I race... are you okay with that?

Elle: They're gonna hit it off - lots in common. and he's hot she says so there's that.

Elle: Aw, poor helicopter guy.

Elle: No first impression rose for you.

Jay: What she should have said, "let me lay this on you... I strip... you okay with dat?"

Elle: Tim Tebow's gettin' the rose

Elle: So really, the 12 yr old is getting the rose

Jay: ‎"are you having fun?"... yes, I love hanging out with in a room with 30 penises and one vagina

Elle: I love how he's calling him Helicopter Guy. Awesome.

Jay: helicopter guy did not score the first impression rose - gonna have to compensate bigger
dude

Elle: Oh never mind. Poor Tebow didn't get the rose.

Elle: All these square faced guys with dark hair look alike.

Jay: Is Tony from Beaverton or Beaver-town?

Elle: I wonder who's going to cry when they go home.

Jay: I think helicopter guy is going home

Jay: Teebo is in

Elle: Tim Tebow gets the first rose!

Jay: Shovel-face is in

Elle: Helicopter Guy is in! Wow.

Jay: helicopter guy makes it

Jay: who's that?

Elle: One of my top two picks - Arie is in!

Elle: Charlie and he's my other top two pick!

Jay: Charlie is gonna win

Elle: I sound way more excited about this than I really am.

Jay: Oh no... Jef made the cut. She could have done "beter" - it doesn't look right hun?

Elle: Grandma's not making it.

Elle: Joe the Joker got a rose!@

Elle: That was clumsy fingers, not symbol cussing.

Jay: Matthew McConoughey made it

Jay: She's not picking the minorities

Elle: Grandma might be rethinking his entrance strategy

Jay: oh wait... she picked Alejandro

Elle: Wolf is accepting his rose.

Jay: It's starting to smell sausage and disappointment

Elle: Lip Sync Guy accepts this rose.

Elle: Long hair guy too..interesting.

Jay: the guy from the revlon commercials made it

Jay: not Stevie!!!!

Elle: Green Shirt guy a.k.a troublemaker is in

Elle: Did she just call him Tiny?

Jay: Tony (will now be known as Tiny) - because he's a small guy

Elle: That accent man, I love it, but it'll get you in trouble if you're not careful.

Elle: Egg guy is shaking in his flippers.

Jay: one more rose... the guy with the ostrich egg is shaking

Jay: travis almost fainted

Elle: Egg guy is IN. UNreal.

Jay: and the egg still has a chance to hatch

Elle: Producers had to have set that one up.

Jay: Gentlemen... take a moment and be sad

Jay: Fresno left - he's crying!!! hahahahahaha

Elle: She kicked her dad out.

Jay: He was in love after 20 minutes

Elle: He just compared this rejection to going through a divorce. Yikes.

Jay: Jean-Paul... hardest thing since your divorce huh? What have you been doing?

Elle: And that's a wrap, folks. See ya on the flip side (next week, same time, etc).

Jay: She missed out on a great guy and a great body... check me out... you could crack a
walnut on my abs. Now I'm going home to exercise my forearms

Elle: Oh wait, we get to see the goods! YES. "So uh, she's missing out on all this. and it's all I have to offer. These here muscles." Winning.